The Past is the Past

This is a lesson that I have taken way too long to learn.

Even despite my better judgement at the beginning of the year, I decided to let people in that don't need to be there. It's funny, because something deep inside of me will say 'no, you need to keep these people there. you need to be nice, and be there for them, and give them a chance.'

Well, little voice deep-down, what you need to know is that every single one of these people has had about 100000000000 chances, and they have never changed. They have continued to manipulate, lie, and steal innocence from me. And it is not as if I am perfectly innocent in the whole ordeal...after all I am letting them in. But, it is time to face the facts - the past is the past and if you want to get anywhere in life...you can't look back. You can only look forward.

I have been making a lot of new connections with the people around, and it feels good. People that are positive and kind, and just seem like they are legit interested in my life. It's nice to have couple friends, especially one's associated with the fire department, because they can relate to me. They know the pressure of having your boyfriend or husband gone for periods of time unexpectedly. It's a nice feeling.

Anywho, that's my little note for today.  I am going to try to look towards the future with positivity and optimism, and no longer let the shackles of negativity and the past hold me back.

Until next time, happy blogging!

xx

Health

It seems as though my major focus right now is my physical and mental health.

A lot of my health problems seem to stem from stress and anxiety that I have been feeling since late October. I have come a long way since then, but these things still creep up on me every now and again. So, a lot of my health depends on me trying to handle the mental aspects of my life.

I have been getting a lot of things accomplished lately, which really helps. For instance, last Friday I finally got the opportunity to really start the organizing in the apartment I was planning to do since I graduated in December.

I have also been really trying to get back into fitness and nutrition. I am cutting out a lot of things from my diet, working on portioning, and, once I feel better (my period has been absolutely killing me this week; I'm not even joking...I'm talking fevers, nausea, etc...) I am going to start exercising majorly.

I am already starting to feel a bit healthier despite what I just described to you. I just need to continue trying to stay away from the things that trigger my anxiety, keep resting, and keep eating right.

Now I just wish that outside forces wouldn't keep trying to bring down. (for example, finding out that my tax return all of a sudden has an 'issue' that may take 4-6 weeks to resolve....)

Well, I guess it is all in how you deal with it. So I will just keep moving forward and try to be the happiest, healthiest me that I can be. 

Where am I?

I've reached a point where I want to distance myself yet become closer to people at the same time. I see my life moving in a good direction - good people that I can rely on are slowly forming and becoming a part of my life. However, at the same time, I want to distance myself from everyone and everything because I am absolutely petrified of getting hurt again.

This, as it often does, has resulted in me starting to isolate some of the wrong people, and grow closer to the even more obscenely wrong people. At the same time, when you distance yourself, you also see who pushes themselves closer, and who doesn't even bother to say a word.

So I am not able to say if whether how I am is good or bad. I guess I'm kind of just here, observing my own life and trying to participate in it in more positive ways. I'm making progress, to say the least. But I feel as if there is going to be some casualties in the friend department regarding some. I'm not sure whether to care or not at this point. I'm sick of being used and walked all over. And manipulated. I think being manipulated is the absolute worst of them all.

Anyway, it's a snowy morning and I'm cold. I think I'm going to head back to the bed. Even if I don't sleep, I think I'll do some reading.

Mistakes

I actually make a lot of them.

It's terrible how caught up you can get in the moment. Do you know the kind? I'm talking about those moments where you are filled with such emotion that you may as well be drunk, because no matter what your brain might tell you, you are willing to do just about anything to get your emotion across. A good example would be posting angry and downright cruel tweets on behalf of your sister, whether she would have ever asked you to do such a thing or not. It's the kind of things where when you think about what you have done later, you just want to go back in time and slap yourself in the face.

Anger, jealousy, hurt - these are the kind of emotions we allow to take control of us. When that happens, they most usually result in mistakes. I don't think we are meant to live that way, to be honest. I think life was meant to be happy and joyous, even during the rough times. I think it is important that we find ways to filter these emotions fluidly, such as writing in a journal or doing yoga, so that we do not make mistakes that threaten are own appearance or self-worth. We need to be aware that are actions, no matter what the reasons behind them, have definite reactions. When we allow emotion to control us, we only have further drama and misery awaiting us in the end.

I am not saying that we will not feel these emotions, because oh, they will come. However, I know for me, in the future, I am going to start finding better ways to control/filter them. Causing additional drama for others and myself is not what I am looking to do.

Maybe when I learn to find peace and happiness, I will have more control to help myself from making as many silly, emotionally-controlled mistakes.

Until next time...happy blogging!
xoxox

Friendship

When I was younger I would have never thought I had a problem with friendship. I don't think I thought about it at all, to be honest. I always had a group of people that supported me, and a few stuck it out for a very extended amount of time. But throughout high school...well, that is when things got complicated.

There are a few people in my life that I will truly call friends. These are the people that have went above and beyond and have overcome a lot to stay and remain a part of my life. They are the people who have accepted me both for my good qualities and my faults; the same applies to them - I have looked passed our difference in order to preserve the more important thing which is our friendship.

But when a friendship ends, whose fault is it? Does there come a time when a friend has just become so toxic that it is time to let go? How do you know when you are the one being the 'bitch?'

I honestly think that a true friend, no matter what, is loyal to your feelings. They are not searching to make you feel inadequate or sad. I don't think that it is worth preserving someone in your life that makes you feel upset, annoyed, and smaller than you are. This life is too short to surround yourself with anyone other than people that make you happy. It is one thing to forgive someone for their mistakes, but...I don't know.

When it comes to matters of the heart, I think the ultimate thing is to respect the feelings of your friend. If you had feelings for the same person before said person has given their heart to the other, than it is probably best to have the conversation before you pursue them. It is probably a good idea to have the talk and find common ground. It is probably best to ask if it is okay.

If the girl has already committed herself to this guy, and  he to her...it's best for you to stay away. It's not in anyone's interest for a guy and girl to hang out, especially if the guy is married or engaged. A friend doesn't intrude on that territory...especially if they know it makes you feel uncomfortable. They probably shouldn't just tell you to get over it because you are being a paranoid, overreacting girl about it. 

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that matters of the heart are delicate. They are one of the biggest things that can break a part friendships, and you really have to sit and ask yourself which is more important: the boy or your friendship. Sometimes it can become even more complicated; sometimes this boy is also a  mutual friend, a co-worker, etc. And depending on the age and the extent of the friends relationship with said boy, the consequences can be intense.

I guess it has just always been part of the guy or girl code - bros before hos, chicks before dicks. I remember when I started dating my fiance, I was hesitant because he dated one of my girlfriends for a very short period of time (a few days). They weren't very serious. My stomach was turning in fear of telling her, even though I knew that she didn't really have feelings for him at that time, and probably never would. She was a little upset (honestly, in the end, our more drama seeking friends were more upset about it than she) but moreso worried that I was making a big mistake. However, I talked to her about it, and in the end she said it would be more my problem if things didn't work out. We are now getting married, and she is a bridesmaid in my wedding. Are more drama seeking friends, who decided to make this their issue, I have long-since cut ties with most of them.

The point is, when you are someone's friend, you have to have your friends feelings at heart constantly. Even when you may not be in the wrong, it is still important to consider how they feel. A simple 'I'm sorry this has  upset you, I never meant to hurt you, but...[explanation here]' would suffice. If you can't offer that, and you are only worried about their wrong, or your feelings, than it might be time to realize that you aren't friends. And, if you are dealing with that sort of person, it may be time to admit to yourself that they aren't the kind of friend you need.

At the end of the day I know the friends that have fought for my friendship, and who I have fought to keep myself. They are the ones that have worked things out with me when things looked worst. They were the ones willing both to tell me what I have done to hurt them, and who were willing to listen to how I feel they have hurt me. They were the ones willing to accept apologies and to also apologize themselves. They were the one that knew they wanted to stick it out until the end, because are friendships were worth more than the little things that tore us momentarily apart. And in any good relationship, friendship or otherwise, I believe that is the way it is.

If they aren't willing to listen and to try and be listened to; if they aren't the people who will look out for you and how you feel; if they are too proud to apologize or to accept your apology....maybe, maybe they aren't the right friend for you.

And that's just how I feel.
Until next time....happy blogging.

xoxo

Renewal

I've actually been quite a mess lately, if anyone would take the time to notice.

It seems when you want affection you don't receive it, but when you just want to be alone and sulk the whole entire universe is by your side. How is that fair?

Well, I am beginning to realize that the world is 100 percent not fair. And, to achieve anything in life, you really just have to keep chugging forward.

I think that I am in need of a complete renewal of my mind, body, and soul. I need to eat right, exercise, take care of myself, and NOT STRESS. I need to just be more laid back, understanding, and trusting.

There are a lot of people that I have cut out of my life because they don't understand the changes that I need to go through. They don't understand my sufferings and my heartaches. They don't realize the sources of my worries and stresses. And you know what? If those people can't be there during my rough times, they do not deserve to be there during my best times. If they are willing to constantly undermine me and the things important to me in my life, they are not worth my time. It is time to let go.

Besides, there are plenty of people that are there for me no matter what, and I need to start giving those people more credit and appreciation. I need to give them my trust and my affection.

And so it is for myself and those people that I am going to renew myself.

What have I realized so far? I think the biggest things are that I need to let go of the past, be understanding, and just plain out laugh and be happy.

In order to do that I need to be less stressed. I have started watching documentaries about health and happiness, and some of the tips and studies have truly been helpful so far. I've started a journey to track my eating, activities, moods and health. We will see how it goes.

Now, after a silly experience with the internet, I think it is time for me to cuddle up next to my love and go to bed.

Good night beautiful world.

xx

Identity Crisis

Have you ever been met with a time in your life where you feel as though you have nothing to live for? You have reached a point where instead of walking forward with fire and fighting for the life you deserve, you just feel tired; you feel weak and as if  nothing you do will amount to anything. And even worse, sometimes, it makes you feel as if you don't even know who you really are at all.

And when you don't know who you are, there is room to let everyone else decide. The people around you will tell you that you are a bad person, awful, hurtful, terrible. The list goes on. But who really decides?

If enough people tell you that you are wrong, that you are a bad friend and person...is it true? Can they all be wrong? Or in the end, is it you that is wrong and needs to change?

To me, the people that have told me these things have hurt me as well. I've either told them, or just tried to leave them behind. However, somehow, they always find their way of creeping back up beside me. And I'm not sure what to do anymore.

I should be happy; I am getting married in June. But the truth is I don't think that I have ever felt so sad and alone in my life. I graduated school, and now I don't have that to keep my mind busy. I have a job, but it is certainly not a career. I have friends, but they are all busy and focused on other things. My fiance is a firefighter, and he has that to push him forward. Most of my family has fallen a part, and I feel disconnected from them. My sister is still in school and has her own friends. I have nothing anymore to make me feel real. I don't feel alive...I just feel like I'm getting by.

In my heart I don't want to believe that I am a bad person. But I have been told over and over so many negative things that it is hard to feel anything other than terrible. I have lost myself, and have begun to let others color in the lines of my soul, dictating who I am.

I guess that this blog will be a journey - one to finding myself. I was going to try and make a new one, or come up with a new name, but I really think that with scars and beauty is perfect. I have had a lot happen in my life, and I am by no means perfect. But despite the fact that I am imperfect, I am still beautiful. And it is just a matter of finding that beauty and becoming the person I want to be. Once I figure it out, that is.

This is me deciding that no one else is allowed to decide your identity for you. This is your life, and you are meant to create your story, even with all the scars. And this blog is meant to chronicle my journey of self-discovery.

Until next time, happy blogging.

xx