Renewal

I've actually been quite a mess lately, if anyone would take the time to notice.

It seems when you want affection you don't receive it, but when you just want to be alone and sulk the whole entire universe is by your side. How is that fair?

Well, I am beginning to realize that the world is 100 percent not fair. And, to achieve anything in life, you really just have to keep chugging forward.

I think that I am in need of a complete renewal of my mind, body, and soul. I need to eat right, exercise, take care of myself, and NOT STRESS. I need to just be more laid back, understanding, and trusting.

There are a lot of people that I have cut out of my life because they don't understand the changes that I need to go through. They don't understand my sufferings and my heartaches. They don't realize the sources of my worries and stresses. And you know what? If those people can't be there during my rough times, they do not deserve to be there during my best times. If they are willing to constantly undermine me and the things important to me in my life, they are not worth my time. It is time to let go.

Besides, there are plenty of people that are there for me no matter what, and I need to start giving those people more credit and appreciation. I need to give them my trust and my affection.

And so it is for myself and those people that I am going to renew myself.

What have I realized so far? I think the biggest things are that I need to let go of the past, be understanding, and just plain out laugh and be happy.

In order to do that I need to be less stressed. I have started watching documentaries about health and happiness, and some of the tips and studies have truly been helpful so far. I've started a journey to track my eating, activities, moods and health. We will see how it goes.

Now, after a silly experience with the internet, I think it is time for me to cuddle up next to my love and go to bed.

Good night beautiful world.

xx

Identity Crisis

Have you ever been met with a time in your life where you feel as though you have nothing to live for? You have reached a point where instead of walking forward with fire and fighting for the life you deserve, you just feel tired; you feel weak and as if  nothing you do will amount to anything. And even worse, sometimes, it makes you feel as if you don't even know who you really are at all.

And when you don't know who you are, there is room to let everyone else decide. The people around you will tell you that you are a bad person, awful, hurtful, terrible. The list goes on. But who really decides?

If enough people tell you that you are wrong, that you are a bad friend and person...is it true? Can they all be wrong? Or in the end, is it you that is wrong and needs to change?

To me, the people that have told me these things have hurt me as well. I've either told them, or just tried to leave them behind. However, somehow, they always find their way of creeping back up beside me. And I'm not sure what to do anymore.

I should be happy; I am getting married in June. But the truth is I don't think that I have ever felt so sad and alone in my life. I graduated school, and now I don't have that to keep my mind busy. I have a job, but it is certainly not a career. I have friends, but they are all busy and focused on other things. My fiance is a firefighter, and he has that to push him forward. Most of my family has fallen a part, and I feel disconnected from them. My sister is still in school and has her own friends. I have nothing anymore to make me feel real. I don't feel alive...I just feel like I'm getting by.

In my heart I don't want to believe that I am a bad person. But I have been told over and over so many negative things that it is hard to feel anything other than terrible. I have lost myself, and have begun to let others color in the lines of my soul, dictating who I am.

I guess that this blog will be a journey - one to finding myself. I was going to try and make a new one, or come up with a new name, but I really think that with scars and beauty is perfect. I have had a lot happen in my life, and I am by no means perfect. But despite the fact that I am imperfect, I am still beautiful. And it is just a matter of finding that beauty and becoming the person I want to be. Once I figure it out, that is.

This is me deciding that no one else is allowed to decide your identity for you. This is your life, and you are meant to create your story, even with all the scars. And this blog is meant to chronicle my journey of self-discovery.

Until next time, happy blogging.

xx